Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
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I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.