I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You Might Also Like
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer