[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
podcasts
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*