10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Birds & Planes.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
#CatsOnTwitter
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Ah..makes sense now
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭