Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
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Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….