Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
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Sorry not sorry.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.