Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
23. the denim jacket
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.