What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
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Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine