Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.