WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Tremendous stuff
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.