Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
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Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.