All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
584.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.