Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball