My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0