Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.