JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE