Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
You Might Also Like
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.