GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan