Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.