The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
love pickles so much i put myself in one
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I have a type: disappointing
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you