My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*