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Cinco De Ranch Dressing
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
*limbos away from your hug*
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always