ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
One venti cheeseburger please.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first