I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
You Might Also Like
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.