Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
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there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent