I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best