A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
You Might Also Like
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Cinematography is my passion
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???