[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
had to make it
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud