Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
You Might Also Like
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time