I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
You Might Also Like
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
😎 🍻
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95