a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.