A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.