People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
When you can’t find your friend Neil
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Stick it to the man