Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
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DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
bugs when you lift up a rock
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other