Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie