How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
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Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.