I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
You Might Also Like
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.