I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
You Might Also Like
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet