haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*