Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.