[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling