“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
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Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
me opening up to someone
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.