“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”