Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
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My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me hitting on a model
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”