Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
normalize having existential bread
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️