Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Why is this me 😫
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.