But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
You Might Also Like
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.