Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.