There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.