When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior